That’s how I feel sometimes. Like my emotions are hijacked by someone or something.
I’ve been having a hard time since Thursday. Perhaps it was the support group meeting I attended, perhaps it’s my hormones, perhaps I am just at the bottom of this vicious cyclical cycle.
We drove to Troutman, NC yesterday to attend at race called “Run for Heaven’s Sake” which was started by a woman who lost her son in June of 2013. I found out about the race in August and knew immediately I wanted to run in it. I was also haunted by what I saw on the website. One of the race sponsors was a furniture company in Lihue, Kauai….the city that Walt and I stayed in during our vacation this summer. The vacation that ended with the birth of our son 15 weeks too early. I emailed the race coordinator, Ashley, and got the sweetest email back. Ashley and I continued to email back and forth for the next few months and I knew instantly she was one of the most giving individuals I had ever conversed with.
As we walked up to pick up our race numbers I thought I was going to lose it. There was a sign with a Rosie the Riveter looking woman that said “we’re so crafty we make angels” and I shouted at myself in my head “THIS IS TOO SOON! WHY did you think you could come here and be strong!?!?!"
The race was well organized for it to be her first one ever. She recognized the angel moms running and we released butterflies in honor of our children, and then ran in the 5k. I knew I was never going to win the race or beat my fastest 5k time (19 minutes in college) but I just didn’t want to be last one to finish. I told Walt he didn’t have to run with me and wanted him to run at whatever pace he decided he wanted.
I had those pre-race jitters which is why I don’t run in races anymore. I’m WAY to Type A for that. If I’m going to race then I want to win.The countdown….3, 2, 1 and we were off! 5 people ahead of me for the first 1/3 of a mile which was ALL up hill. I passed one person and then got into a nice pace which I quickly realized was an entire minute faster than I had been running in the past 4 weeks. The race was hard…..lots of hills BUT it was only 3 miles so I knew that regardless of how bad I was hurting it was going to be over soon. Fueled by Jay Z and 3 6 mafia I ran (literally) to the finish line with a time of 24 minutes and 14 seconds. I finished 5th overall, 3rd in the women’s race, and 2nd in my age group.
I’m proud. AND. sore.
I got to meet Ms. Ashley and boy was she just an angel. She handed me a book called Opihi Baby. Her mom works for that furniture store in Kauai and was in town. She asked her mom to bring me a baby book from Lihue as a gift. She looked at my and said "because we know you are going to use it.”
Walt was the first man to finish and came in 2nd overall. He was beat by a 7 year old who ran a 20 minute mile. I’m super proud of Walt too and so thankful he took half of his Saturday to help honor our son through this event. Ashley raised over 5,500 dollars to donate to two charities who help families with infant loss.
I hate that we are one of those families. I hate that this is going to be with us forever. I hate that I have a whole in my heart that will never be filled. I cannot describe the immense hurt I have to have him back. I cannot describe how sad I am that we lost our first son. I cannot begin to understand why. I cannot accept the fact that there is nothing I or anyone else can do to get rid of any of these things.
We get up and we continue on. We do all of these things b/c we know you all have hope for us and that we have hope for ourselves.
thewhitworthsNC 